Snotty Funny Status Messages

   *buys Sushi for Dummies*.. *preheats oven*.. *reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*.. *turns off oven*

   Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?... Me: Pfft,,, I could think of like fifty reasons,, I’m not falling for that.

   I never know how much Cream of Wheat to make for the trick or treaters.

   A boy was being mean to my 6 year old daughter yesterday, so she punched him in the eye... Was ice cream the correct punishment?

   I'm glad cheese doesn't know what's about to happen to it when I show up.

   BTW: Is someone writing these down?... (my grandmother, after reading my status updates)

   TV show idea! We just air a live feed of old people using a smart phone for the first time.. We can call it "Where are the buttons?"

   Thought I had a political tweet but it ended up being gas

   If you say the word "gullible" over and over really fast,, it sounds like your actually saying 'oranges'

   Hmm,,, Voyager1 is 8.2 billion Miles from Earth & continues to send readings back to us.. and I can't get cellphone reception in my livingroom?

   Things that don't kill bees: 1: furnutire polish 2: Febreeze 3: butter 4: screeming

   Facebook: "Do you want to tag Jennifer in this Picture?" Me: Hmmmm. does it make her look fat? Then yes, yes I do.

   If I was a rat,,, I wouldn't give anyone my ass.

   Criminal Tip: Buy a gun from a guy off the streets. As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back........Free gun.

   Look, Twinkies, I'm with Little Debbie Cloud Cakes now,,, and I won't let you hurt me again.

   One day, as a little boy, I wrote to Santa Clause. "Please send me a little brother." Santa Clause wrote me back,,, "Ok, send me your mother."

   Kitchen Tip: Black currants resemble mouse turds but have a subtly different flavor... Substitute freely for turds in any recipe. *Martha Stuart Little*

   My sense of humor has been described as,,, "please stop" and "you're ruining dinner"

   The gotye concert was amazing. kept playing "Somebody That I Used To Know" over & over. Easy to go to the bathroom, concessions.. Would recommend

   Rejected Yankee Candle Scents: • Taco • Halibut with Lime • Garden Croc • Macy's credit card • Carbon credits