Snotty Funny Status Messages

   This post will be seen by tens of people, and liked literally ones of times.

   I'm inventing a sandwhich made from: 5 hour energy drink, Cialis, some cheese, salami, bacon, & lettuce... I'm calling it the "5 Hour Footlong."

   Setting my coffee maker to 'stun'

   Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.

   Dear Turkeys,,, Your long range weather forecast is 350 degrees on Thursday the 28th.

   Dance like nobody's watching. Sing like nobody's listening. Post like your life is marginally more interesting than it is in actuality.

   To make sure everyone cries at my funeral, I'm requesting they play nothing but Creed and Nickleback through factory car speakers.

   The human heart has four chambers : Rumpus room, Tradesmans Entrance, Wine Cellar and Guest Bedroom

   Being a reasonable man,, I pointed to the door, suggesting the spider leave immediately and peacefully

   We met on Christian Mingle,, and our baby was born 6 months later

   Repaired a vacuum the other day. It was easy,,, I just stuck a Tampa bay Bucs logo on it... Now it sucks just fine

   Today's Horoscope: You're gullible.

   Get this: My 2 year old & 8 month old decided not to take advantage of the extra hour of sleep yesterday morning.

   BREAKING NEWS: North Korea shoots sky...... Misses.

   The GOP is like your wise old Grandad who stands up, voices pearls of wisdom and genius, and then pees his pants.

   I'm hungry,, but the only thing in my fridge is Zuul.

   The one where Scooby doo dies in the van because Fred forgot to crack a window.

   BREAKING NEWS: Scientists sneak up on Periodic Table, add element of Surprise"

   [white house staff meeting] Obama: Any questions?.. *Biden raises hand* Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe... *Biden returns to coloring book*

   Welcome to taco bell may I take your order? "... I'd like 2 tancos, a enchilanto, a brampino, a grondalito, and a small spripe,,, thanks"