Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Don't judge a woman by her granny panties but by what's inside.

   Johnny Depp and his partner separated. They agreed to share custody of the kids, but are suing the hell out of each other over the scarves.

   You can be dysfunctional, retarded, ugly, promiscuous, pregnant, fat, obnoxious, sick, drunk, or high, but make sure you know the difference between 'YOUR' and 'YOU'RE' or ‘THAN' and ‘THEN'.

   A cop texted me to pull over.

   I think the reason old people sleep in separate bedrooms is so they don't have to wake up next to someone dead.

   Happy ATMs day!!

   If you can't take the heat, you're really going to hate my flamethrower.

   Bought my girlfriend Sarah Jessica Parker's perfume and I swear she smells like grass and hay now.

   Go Ahead! Make my sandwich.

   I tie up all my victims in forget me knots.

   I disagree revenge is a dish best served with arsenic.

   I'm pretty sure it was worse luck for the black cat that crossed my path than me, since I ran it over.

   If Phil Collins doesn't sing 'Coming in the HAIR tonight' as he jizzes in a girl's face, then why is he even bothering to be Phil Collins?

   Accidentally poured myself a glass of vodka at 9am. Accidentally drank it too. I'm so damn clumsy.

   My pleasant personality is brought to you this morning by several strong cups of coffee.

   Ladies; True Love is when he holds your hair back while you're giving him a bl0wjob.

   A beautiful woman touched my balls! It was with her foot when she kicked me, & she thinks my name is “sexist pig”, but I think she likes me!

   This cop is not buying "I need it to scratch areas on my back I can't reach" as an excuse for carrying an AK-47.

   Would you like your disappointment on the rocks?

   Got down from my car to beat up the guy who took my parking space then I realized he's a UFC fighter so I said "does your car need washing?"