Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Life sucks when a girlfriend doesn't

   I dreamed about you slowly unzipping my pants, but I know that's just a fantasy. Because I'm not wearing pants.

   Moonwalking into exam rooms is how I let patients know they are going to die.

   I wish the dollar store sold sex.

   Every mile you jog adds 1 minute to your life, so when you're 85 you can spend an extra 5 months in a nursing home at $8,000 per month.

   Even grudges have feelings. They like it when you hold them.

   I'm sorry, I couldn't understand a single word that was coming out of your boobs.

   Hostage or not, sometimes it's just nice to be held.

   When I'm hungry, I call you. When I'm horny, I call your friend.

   Right after I shouted "No more Mr. Nice Guy" I found myself helping the neighbors clean out their garage. Something went terribly wrong.

   I drink in front of plants when I haven't watered them in weeks so I can maintain dominance.

   Ladys, can you PLEASE keep your dam toenails clipped, I'm tired of em scratching my dam ears!

   The most important thing I look for from a potential employer is a bathroom with a good network connection.

   Out of all the lies I've ever told, "Just kidding" is my favourite.

   Okay guys thats enough. Let's all agree to stop drawing on Lil Wayne while he's passed out drunk.

   Lick me like a lollipop.....but don't mistaken me for a sucker.

   If you're going to have sex with a stranger, make sure you are stranger than them.

   For a long term relationship to work the amount of times she's a pain in the ass has to equal the amount of times he causes pain in her ass.

   I like my women like I like my chemistry… hard to understand and capable of blowing up at any time.

   Thankfully restraining orders don't restrict freedom of thought!