Snotty Funny Status Messages

   It's always fun to run out of the bank after cashing a check, and yelling "Go, Go, Go!" as you jump into your car and speed off.

   Don’t start an argument with a girl because they all have 300,500,192 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 10:29PM on 22/05/2003

   Whoever convinces blind people that they need sunglasses,, is one heck of a salesman....

   PRO TIP: For the Olympics,, If you plant a bunch of Doritos in the ground and water them every day with Red Bull, you can grow your very own Shaun White

   PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Please be careful and chew your food,,, More people choke on Thanksgiving than on any other day.. . * unless you're a Denver Bronco,, cause you already choked last Sunday night

   After over 350 years,,, The Vatican finally apologized to Galileo, so don't expect an apology for child abuse anytime before 2363.

   My best posts are like children... I have my favorites and nobody else seems to be interested in hearing about them.

   Me: "Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?"... Wife: "Well, what does it say on it?.Me: "Boston Bruins.".. Wife: "You're an idiot "..

   English teachers on Facebook must feel the same hopelessness as dentists do when they're at Walmart.

   Wow. Hard to believe in only a month my wife and daughters will be returning the gifts I bought them.

   I just finished coloring Snooki's new book.

   Women- God's version of a Rubik's cube.

   What idiot called it "insomnia" and not "resisting a rest"?

   I never finish anything.... I have a black belt in partial arts.

   Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?.. Me: Siri, why did this cop pull me over? .. *gets distracted driving ticket*

   If life gives you melons... get a good sports bra.

   Boys are so much easier to raise... Soda,chips,videos games.. And open the door once a week to make sure they're still breathing and your good

   My posts offend you??... Well,, You're probably the same person that said cookie monster made your kid fat... Or Pluto wasn't a planet..

   We crush the caterpillars,,, then complain there are no butterflies.

   And for whatever reason, no one told em how to get to Sesame Street