Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel,,, and misinterpret other peoples intent.

   He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if you've been bad or good 'cause...Santa works for the NSA.

   Ask your doctor if it’s the right OCD medication for you... Then ask him 3 more times, knock on the wall twice and ensure the door is locked.

   Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.

   If I was dyslexic,, I totally would've won Powerball last night.

   My sister is adopted,, but I like to tell people she's "a rescue".

   People who drive slower up hills know how cars work,,, right?

   If you're happy and you know it clank your chains.

   What does it make me if I put Nutella on this brown sugar & cinnamon poptart? A genius... The correct answer is genius.

   Let's be honest,, At some point, you'd think there'd be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City's penitentiaries.

   So if you're blind and on the toilet do you wipe until the dog barks or how does that work?

   Remember,,, If a three year old is quiet, they are usually trying to burn your house down and find batteries to eat

   The "mayday" button on the new Kindle Fire should be renamed the "let me show you my weiner" button,,, 'cause that's all it's gonna be used for.

   At least once a year, we should all be allowed to go to Microsoft headquarters and reboot all of their PCs without giving them notice.

   I tried to bring sexy back,,, but they said it wasn't in it's "original" condition

   n't there an American Idol Contest somewhere you should be voting for?

   What do people with spinning flashing inflatable Christmas lawn ornaments think is tacky?

   16 yr old daughter: "Leave me alone dad"... Me: You don't want me hugging you?"... 16 year old daughter: (crying) "Hug Me, but leave me alone"..... *Woman training complete.

   I don't use hashtags, but if anybody wants one I still have an extra one I got from IKEA... You'll just need to assemble it.. // =

   My son just told me a joke. So here it is, tell me what you think. Why do midgets laugh when they run?? Cause the grass tickles their balls.