Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Unless there's a new app that lets you shoot people, that phone holster looks ridiculous.

   I would rather smack a piñata filled with diarrhea than go down on a Kardashian.

   I would like to cordially invite you all to shut up concerning what you do not know.

   I would rather pick up a used condom than your call.

   The worst thing about doggie style is you can both see your kid come into the room.

   Forrest Whitaker turned 51 today, his right eye turned 47.

   The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people only lived to the ripe old age of 30.

   My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.

   From now on just cross your heart, I'll take care of the hope you die part.

   I don't like the term "substance abuse". I prefer "teaching substance a lesson".

   How do I love thee? Let me count the empty cans.

   Tried quitting my job today. But they just laughed and threw me back in my cell.

   Apparently putting toothpaste on your ass DOES NOT stop you from being raped in prison. So much for complete cavity protection.

   My wife said I never do anything for her so I packed her bags and put them outside.

   I like picking up lone hitchhikers cause then when I am pulled over the weed is his.

   The person who came up with the word "lisp" wath a real athhole

   Show me on this voodoo doll where it would hurt you the most.

   Not to brag, but when it comes to "going nowhere fast," I'm breaking every speed record known to man.

   I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.

   This one time my date was really ugly but I was horny so I roofied both our drinks :/