Snotty Funny Status Messages

   One of the bigger mistake men make is thinking they have to understand what they're apologizing for.

   Miley Cyrus is already 41 in trailer park years

   Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.

   If by cold,, you mean my freezer is keeping things WARMER than the outside air temps,,, then yes it's cold...

   Sorry I called you stupid. It was insensitive and heartless of me... Also, I just assumed that you knew.

   So this blind man walks into a bar,,,,,,,, and a chair,, and a table.

   Welcome to camouflage club. I can see clearly that we have a big turnout this week, which is very disappointing.

   Horton hears much better after his visit to the otolaryngologist,,, Though he could have done without the "big ears" comment.

   Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

   We can all agree that Joan Rivers is now basically just human taxidermy,,, right?

   Nice try 3rd grade music teacher,,, I don’t believe for one second that there were two John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidts.

   Just tried to type "HAPPY NEW YEAR" but my phone went with "HAPPY NEW ZEALAND",,, So yeah,,, wishing everyone that.

   If I was blind, I would say "That's something you don't see everyday",,,, To just about every comment.

   Nutella flavoured toothpaste... *steps on stage*... *collects million dollar prize*

   *eats apple while maintaining eye contact with doctor*

   As soon as they start selling cars that drive themselves, I'm getting a booster seat for my cat, and he's gonna chauffeur my arse everywhere.

   Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo

   Things that don't kill bees: 1: furnutire polish 2: Febreeze 3: butter 4: screeming

   I'm white,, but not "donates to PBS public television for $50 a month to receive a Free DVD of the programm I just watched for Free".. white.

   We had our first meeting of the Rule Club... There was a fight.