Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Those dudes who enter air guitar competitions must get mad air pu$$y.

   Suicide bombers invented blow jobs.

   The worst mistake a man can make is to say ''I'm all ears honey'' to a woman.

   I suppose one consolation about being blind is that you're always a supermodel in your eyes.

   Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you're dead ... then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.

   Your water broke? Do I look like an idiot? You can't "break" water...get back to work.

   Sometimes I feel like I respect spiders just because women hate them.

   Before you ask me to leave, let me just say that some women would be turned on if I went through their underwear drawer.

   If at first you don't succeed, get her drunk.

   I've watched Cowboys and Aliens 13 times and I still don't know when I'm supposed to masturbate.

   Relationships are all about finding someone that hates children just as much as you do.

   Told a girl to make me a sandwich & she was like "go away, sexist idiot!". Cool but telling me I'm sexy doesn't make me less hungry.

   Women can be so ungrateful. I just made breakfast in bed & instead of thanking me, she screams "Who are you! How did you get in my house?"

   God invented women and the next day he invented vodka cause he was like holy hell, sorry bro.

   Reports from the delivery room say it was actually pretty sweet the way baby Lorenzo was already teaching Snooki to read.

   Whenever I silently fart, around my girlfriend, I say "Do you smell blueberry muffins?" so that she takes a few big whiffs and passes out.

   Dance like nodody's watching, love like no one can give the authorities a helpful description, stalk like there's no restraining order.

   Its cute when a slut demands respect. B!tch the only thing your are getting is an STD.

   The beauty of Google is that you can stop annoying people with your stupid questions.

   The key to a relationship is both of you staring silently at your phones as the emotionless fog ushers you into the cold embrace of death.