Snotty Funny Status Messages

   "Boop"... *Zebra walking past a self service checkout.

   I bet Tom Hanks sends a letter to The Academy Awards this year that he signs "Sincerely, T. Hanks for nothing"

   French vanilla is just like regular vanilla except it smokes too much cigarettes and doesn't bathe.

   That One Direction tour bus must be a living hell when they get their periods at the same time.

   Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn't just painted on.

   Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.

   The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper..

   Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?

   If you have feelings for me,,, thats your problem not mine,

   Wanna feel old? In about 6years it will be the roaring 20s again

   Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?

   I've got this really good recipe were I burn the hell out of everything and we go out for pizza.

   Just convinced the teen up the street that he needs to change the winter air out of his tires and put in summer air... Don't do dope, kids.

   We should just "pile on" and ask Chris Christie about the Velveeta shortage...

   Parents w/ 1st Baby: "Aww, he's starting to walk! C'mon buddy, you can do it!".. Parents w/ Baby #4: "CRAP, HE'S STANDING! QUICK, SWEEP THE LEG!"

   Hi,,, I'm here for an oil change and an estimate for $100's of dollars of work that I'll say I'll get done another time but never come back.

   I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday... *Usually either Nestlé or Captain.

   I'm not saying I gained weight over the holidays... All I'm saying is bring me Solo and the Wookie.

   Whenever I have a bad day,,, I just remind myself that there are people out there who have their ex's name tattooed on their body

   It's that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions...... * Ummm, Kids,, I meant my kids