Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Stupid people with their "hello's" and "how you doing sir's?" and "do you know how fast you were going's?"

   I'm trying desperately not to hate your existence but you keep talking nonsense.

   Happy people don't take long showers.

   I'm not the jealous type. And no I don't know why every time you talk to someone the police find their body dumped in a river the next day.

   It pisses me off when a woman takes up space with her stroller on the bus. I mean, where am I supposed to put my mountain bike?

   I'm not crazy, but I was once abducted by aliens. They interrogated me. I didn't understand anything. I don't speak Spanish

   I once peed a girl's name in the snow, so don't tell me I don't know romance.

   I'll be the sinner if you be the sin.

   There's a special place in hell for people who don't provide access to alcohol at children's parties.

   I am woman. Hear me talk. And talk. And talk. And talk.

   According to my cousin's diploma, he graduated from an "Institute of Fine Farts" because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

   I will address an obviously elderly woman as "young lady" because I'm a charming m0therfucker.

   All this restraining order means is that I love you too much.

   I just saw Snooki! Wait...nevermind. It was just a trash can.

   I'm getting sick of these p orn sites listing my videos as "amateur".

   If I do it doggy style I get to multiply every minute I last by ten, right guys?

   The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn't know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.

   I had mice in my kitchen til I replaced mouse traps with tiny notes that said,"I'll love you forever". They left me for my neighbor.

   That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

   Pu$$y is the most expensive food in the world. And sometimes you pay and still you don't eat.