Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Hey Auto-Correct,,, The intensive porpoises are here.. They say you have something for them.. Yes, all of them

   Why can't I find out anything on Google about this Superb Owl

   "Thesaurus", Was the first dinosaur to get murdered... Ugh, No one likes a know it all.

   I tried to open a can of WhoopAss,, but it popped like a can of biscuits and scared me.

   Truthful Tuesday: Deep down,, I don't believe that paper beats rock.

   It's weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.

   I get angry when I think about how much time I spent learning to write cursive.

   A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that

   Obituaries are the first thing my Nana checks in the paper on Saturdays... I think she enjoys getting through to the next round.

   Bumper sticker: Sorry for driving so close in front of you...

   Diet tip: If you think you're hungry, you might actually just be thirsty.. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

   By the way, that gluten-free muffin you just enjoyed? I lied...it is absolutely TEEMING with glutens!,,,,, HAHAHAHA! Goodbye, Mr. Bond.

   Mus in the 60s, orange in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s... * the history of tang

   I always have skis mounted on the roof of my car just in case I flip it and land in the snow.

   I'm not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn't looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.

   Genie: Thank you for freeing me,, I will grant you 3 wishes, what is your first?.. Me: more wishes!.. Genie: A genie can only grant 3 wishes... Me: Well then, more genies!!.. Genie: Aww, crap

   OMG you guys!. I Almost hit a jogger while I was taking a selfie and driving today... So please you guys, be careful,,, do NOT jog.

   If on Superbowl Sunday, The Broncos win,, I'll shave my chest hair and glue it to the top of my head,,, If they don't, I'll wait till the day after.

   Girls are unique,,, they want you to know how they feel but they don't want to tell you

   If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers,,, You'll know that setting them free was a bad idea.