Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I guess you could call her a trophy wife. She’s tattooed with the names of the previous winners.

   A zombie friend of mine entered the NY city marathon,,, And if you MUST know,,, Yes, He came in dead-last

   Can someone please unfriend me ? My friend count is on an uneven number and it is making me anxious.

   Justin Beiber hates being told she's talented, and I can sympathize... I hate being told she's talented, too.

   At my funeral, I want you guys to read my jokes... That way, everyone feels a little bit better about me being dead.

   This weekend, I forgot to set the thermostat ahead on my clock,,,, Mine's still set for winter...

   I just shook my keyboard upside down... Breakfast is served.

   Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won't need to know cursive,but you will need the ability to type with thumbs... The future is weird.

   Divorce changes you... For instance, it makes you single......... * Inspirational post

   A vegan friend on FB said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat... I think if he had to build his own computer he'd couldn't whine on FB.

   My pet rock turned 4,054,870,001 today

   Just broke up a fight between my wife and a car seat.

   Hey Social media newbies, remember if you try really hard and excel at this, in a couple years, you too can turn it into a source of no income.

   Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???

   I'm giving up picking my belly button for Lint

   Jokes on you Lent,,, I already gave up.

   Me: Yes, I'd like to return this dishwasher.... Lowes employee: Sir, you can't just leave your teenager here, again.

   BTW,,,, Pinocchio's family tree is just a maple

   "Old Macdonald had a farm,,, Had."............ * Bank of America

   How to fall down stairs,,,, Step 1... Step 4... Steps 5,6,7,8,9...