Baddie Funny Status Messages

   What the hell did we do during blow jobs before cell phones?

   My neighbor swears he was anally probed by an alien. Anyone want a slightly used alien costume?

   When I date single moms, I tell the kids "I'm not trying to fill the hole left by your father; just the ones inside your mother."

   I'd rather see a same sex marriage than a no sex marriage.

   I love being a father. Children start off as little bundles of joy and eventually grown up to be great at getting you a beer.

   If you dont sway side to side when listening to Stevie Wonder then we can't be friends.

   I bet I can stay drunk longer than you can complain about it.

   I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn't taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

   At some point in the day, Hugh Hefner has to think "God, shut up b itches!"

   I don't claim to know what happens inside the dishwasher, but I'm guessing that it's like the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

   This episode was brought to you by an overreaction, the crazy voices in her head, and a special guest appearance from PMS.

   n't it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don't know what ironic means.

   Everytime a girl tells me she doesn't feel good I squeeze her boob and call her a liar.

   If you don't feel the love on Facebook then you're stalking the wrong people.

   Beer tastes so delicious when you hate everyone!

   I wish I had the confidence in real life that ugly people have on Facebook.

   You can choose your friends, but you're stuck with your coworkers.

   My wife and I have the cutest nicknames for each other. She is my buttercup and i'm her useless sack of s hit.

   If your significant other doesn't reply to your text within 5 minutes, they're out cheating on you.

   Of course I do respect the dead. I don't respect anyone unless they are dead anyway.