Snotty Funny Status Messages

   If you love something, set it free... If it returns, it probably can't pay its student loans.

   Coffee so black the police plant evidence on it.

   Being married means you never hav--- WOULD YOU QUIT CHEWING SO GODDAMN LOUD?

   My wife just had my tubes tied, and now She's become........inconceivable.

   My family tree is a cactus,,,,,, Yeah, we're mostly pricks.

   Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 2 years... It's now a Walmart.

   It makes me sad that elderberries are always being replaced by younger, hotter berries

   What's the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick?......... *Asking for my 2 year old

   My morning alarm tone is The Price is Right loser music

   "Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we're gonna have to ask you to leave."

   At lunch, I thought the meat at Taco Bell was green for St. Patrick's Day,,, but I am now second guessing that assumption.

   Umm, your honour? In my defence,,, I think it was a pretty decent exposure.

   Old MacDonald had a farm, EIEIO.... He couldn't produce on the scale required to make a profit at current market prices and got foreclosed, EIEIO...

   At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

   For Sale: Gently used Boeing 777. Everything looks to be there except black box. Comes with like 257 tourists & new rims. No weirdos or checks.

   Apparently when you walk in and your boss is listening to" Sister Christian ".... You AREN'T supposed to ask if it's couples skate only

   THAT'S IT,,, I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN......................... * My Tombstone

   Excuse me, Pink Floyd... It's "We don't need ANY education."

   Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting,,, Was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

   300 + friends... and not one of you saw where I put the remote.?