Baddie Funny Status Messages

   In case anyone asks, we found these dead hookers while we were digging holes in the woods.

   I hate this place, as soon as I find my clothes, I am leaving.

   A girl picking up the phone in the middle of sex is a free pass to get weird.

   Just accepted a job offer while taking a poop. Congratulations, you hired one hell of a multi tasker.

   Co-worker keeps asking me what's wrong so I told her I'm irritated because some idiot won't quit asking me what's wrong.

   Say it to my face coward, not through your status.

   It's amazing how everyone is suddenly a political genius one month every 4 years.

   My favorite mythical creature is the happy b itches in tampon commercials.

   Boobs are the best hand warmers.

   You had me at "tubes tied"

   Boss: what the hell is wrong with you? Me: one time I listened to a Bruno Mars song.

   I'm not stalking you. I'm protecting you.

   You know what I'd really like from a woman? Consent.

   So when is this 'old enough to know better' suppose to kick in ?

   I wish judging other people burned calories!

   Hey guys who write updates about how all girls are beautiful and should be respected, did you figure it out on your own or did your boyfriend tell you??

   I really want to attract a lot of girls this halloween. So I'm dressing up as a Nutella jar.

   I'm not surprised Kristen Stewart couldn't act faithful. She can't act happy, sad, frightened, mad, shocked or aroused either.

   After a one night stand I scream stranger danger repeatedly until they leave.

   I'm not above pretending to be deaf in public to avoid unwanted human interaction.