Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I spend like 82% of cleanup time trying not to say "or it gets the hose again" after telling the kids to put toys in the basket.

   There once was a man from Nantucket, whose name was Dave. Real nice guy. Gave me some great directions on how to get to Applebee's.

   Can't we just agree that disagreeing is what we agree on?

   I'm old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.

   How To Get Rich: 1. Place a Swear Jar next to Samuel L Jackson...2. Empty it the next day.... 3. Become a millionaire.

   FYI: If a test asks for the capital of North Dakota you can write "who cares" and it won't be marked as incorrect.

   "Dad what's an infinite loop?"..."Ask your mother."... "Mom what's an infinite loop?"... "Ask your father."... "Dad what's an infinite loop?"... "Ask your........

   *Oprah gets up to do Harvard's commencement speech*... And you get a diploma and you get a diploma and you get a diploma and you get a diploma

   DIET HACK: You can use flour tortillas as napkins

   The longer I sit on this bidet at The Olive Garden,,, the more it looks like it's just a sink.

   6 yr old: Dad, why did the Tooth Fairy write me a check?...Me:Umm, I don't know but she needs you to hold on to it until the 15th.

   On a scale of 1 to a weatherman,,, how good are you at lying?

   I thought lubing my arse with vegetable oil would make my poop come out faster, but I just slipped off the toilet and shat on the floor.. :(

   I can't find my phone,,, I must be on Malaysia Airplain mode

   If police are gonna profile,,, they gonna look for a spade dressed like a gangsta

   How many Smurfs have to die for the liquid in a porta-potty?

   Those that still can't believe it's not butter have margarinal faith.

   Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but,, I was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

   Starting to think this 30 minute documentary about the amazing Shark vacuum cleaner might be a commercial.

   You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they're flying too close together?