Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   's girlfriend asked him to lay under the coffee table with the glass top. Wonder what she's gonna do??

   I got along fine before I knew you. I'll get along find after.

   I don't wanna move in for a month. I just wanna buy you a beer.

   murdering your spouse within the first year of marriage can really put a strain on the relationship.

   How to annoy people: Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy".

   ǝǝɹʇ ɐ ɯoɹɟ ƃuıƃuɐɥ sı

   Once had an awkward moment just to see how it felt

   Stuck on Band-Aid brand cause Band-Aid Stuck on me.

   that anyone caught taking a photo of themselves in a mirror, shall be slapped...

   has two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

   wants to get on the wagon, but the 15 vodkas are making it mildly difficult!

   99% of women say they don't like men who wear leather pants. Which works out perfectly, since 100% of men who wear leather pants don't like Women.

   giving my liver a pat on the back, thanks for holding up this weekend

   saving the planet by tailgating his Silverado behind a Prius.

   �ɐɥɐɥ ˙snʇɐʇs uʍop ǝpısdn ʎɯ ʎq pǝʇɐuıɔsɐɟ ǝɹɐ noʎ ʇɐɥʇ ʇɔɐɟ ǝɥʇ uɐ

   "Almost" and the "same" are almost the same thing!

   you may have won this stare contest... SUN! But I'll definitely be triumphant tomorrow! ...now time for the moon

   says eat your school, stay in drugs, and don't do vegetables. :]

   about to try cruise control in reverse

   having a most excellent adventure with Bill and Ted