Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The wheel is still spinning but the hamster died.

   This status update is brought to you by your drug addiction to facebook.

   youre so ugly just after you were was born, your mother said, "What a treasure!" and your father said, "Yea, let's go bury it!"

   If racism never existed, what do you get?.......Smarter people for one.

   Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

   Unfortunately, there is no vaccine against stupidity...

   Ugh....Human Beings. I wish my leaders gave me fair warning about this place before they dropped me off here.

   i just ordered a snuggie for dogs and I dont even have a dog... I just want to burn it because its the stupidest thing ive ever seen

   ..was reading the bookThe Dog That Never Dies. She couldn't put it down.

   pitching a tip to George Lucas for a new robot in the next Star Wars, the H1N1.

   Sometimes I wonder.."Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?"...and then it hits me.....

   I am like a freaking Hallmark card..I care enough to post the very best!!

   on the air, go ahead caller what is your request?

   Escalators never break down, they just turn into stairs

   2 word's boys hate the most "dont" and "stop"...lets put them together instead!

   thinks it's funny how Google Chrome's spell-checker dictionary doesn't have the word "Google" in it

   Am always telling the truth unless am lying.

   Dear Mr. Vending Machine genius-Please do not place all the fragile delicate goodies (such as poptarts, cookies, chips) on the top two rows. Everytime a delicious munchy falls and prematurely break and angel loses its wings :'(

   wanna go halves on a baby?

   Do you know what it feels like when you have to pee really bad? Well in that case feel this, I'm not totally sure I do...