Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   got some new underwear today... well new to me anyway :-)

   You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life

   had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture

   everyone hs photographic memory, some just don't hv th film

   hates it when people use the term "FOLKS". Are we on Green Acres?

   Today I met the sweetest, funniest, hottest guy in the world!......then his boyfriend showed up :(

   Me Chinese, Me Play Joke, Me put Roofie in your Coke

   As if weighing 400 pounds didn't call enough attention to yourself,

   What has 148 teeth and can hold back the Hulk? My Zipper :]

   You are feeling sleepy... you will obey me... you will take off your pants...

   you are not a PC, you are a human being

   Money cant buy hapiness..But it can buy a reasonable facsimile so close that the average human being cannot tell the differance

   Why is it when someone's girlfriend or wife gets pregnant, her friends rub her belly and say congratulations, but no one rubs a man's penis and says good job?

   has an overwhelming urge to forcefeed anorexic teenage girls grilled cheese and bacon sandwiches until she can no longer count their ribs.

   She said FML. She wants it, you gotta' give it to her.

   playing fetch with his Chia Pet.

   not addicted to cocaine, he just likes the way it smells.

   A glow worm is never glum… Because, how can you be grumpy when the sun shines out of your bum?

   Here's to you and here's to me, and I hope we never disagree. But, if that should ever be, to HELL with you, here's to ME!

   hiding behind your door waiting to scare you...:O