Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It does'nt matter how hot she is,,, there is someone else out there who is sick of her $h!t

   It dont get no better, it just get different

   just had a very interesting conversation with the mirror.

   Warning for all you weekend basketball league playing guys: Be leary of the guy who smacks you on the butt and says "Nice shot, man!" when you didn't even take a shot...

   will listen, if you'll talk about me...

   yesterday I said I was gonna FML...i did....but I forgot protection...now i'm screwed

   notices that its been so windy of late that even the water in his toilet was choppy!

   The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content

   The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

   CONSCIOUSNESS: That annoying time between naps.

   Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!

   If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

   The only thing stronger than a mother's love is a garlic breath!

   Thankful for Mr. Austin Nichols...... you taught me that some people have faith, some have a strong will, but I have your Wild Turkey to get me through.

   ..will keep a close eye on Santas stat updates. The minute he writes "just passed over crack house with ugly skank looking out window" i'll wave.

   I went to Jared..............and then punched him in the belly for those stupid commercials

   next time someone with bad breath steps to you repeat the following.. " I dont mean to be mean but you need some listerine, not a sip not a swallow but the whole Damn bottle"..

   just let me know if there's anything I can do this month to further the cause of healthy breasts

   i would like hippes to realize that it is NOT "all good."

   caught the chills while peeing.......thank goodness my wife bought these decorative bath towels