Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Blasphemy - the idea there's a superior being who can make the mountains, the oceans and the skies, but who still gets upset about something I said. He's an all-powerful being; he's just got self-esteem issues.

   why do people on Facebook make a effort out of telling everybody in a huge paragraph how bad & boring their day was to make people feel sympathetic...Get over it, everybody has their bad days but maybe it would be better if you kept it to yourself.

   It wouldn't be a normal Sunday on the couch watching the Baltimore/Indianapolis game without the Erectile Dysfunction commercial. 4 hours? Goddamn.

   I've got a friend who is a fat, alcoholic, transvestite. All he does is eat, drink and be Mary.

   The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That's pretty ****ing cruel isn't it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?

   I was waiting for a call last night so I put my phone under my pillow, woke up this morning - phone was gone and $1 was in its place...damn tooth fairy....

   Always take life with a grain of salt... Plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.

   I heard the Japanese have invented a camera with a shutter so fast that it can actually photograph a woman with her mouth shut! Isn't that amazing? Before you show your hurt feelings, just keep in mind THIS IS A JOKE, no one can create a camera that FAST

   Today's comment intentionally left blank.

   I got me some new underwear today! Well they're new to me anyway...

   Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right!

   I get this funny feeling that people are reading the things I type here but maybe I'm just being paranoid.

   "Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts."

   A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

   Only great, awesome, wonderful people can read this. And only the truly gifted can actually comment on it!

   Apparently while handling guns in the hunting department at Walmart, it's not a good idea to ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are

   We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

   I was about to put something very profound here, but I couldn't think of a thing...

   I was bored so I went to Walmart, Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while then yelled very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here!” boy was that employee freaked out!!!

   Hasnt Slept since thursday night.....Id like to request a moment of silence for all the innocent Brain cells lost over the events of the last 48hrs, you will be greatly missed. kk time 4 sleep