Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   dreamed he ate a 10lb marshmellow, when I woke up the pillow was gone!!! WTF

   Like math? We could add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide our legs, and multiply!

   at 8:45 pm , facebook had an EPIC FAIL

   proven the myth that a bird will always crap on a freshly washed car... Now, where'd I put that bb gun?

   3 blondes comes across some tracks. 1st blonde "Its deer tracks!" 2nd blonde "No! Dog tracks!" 3rd blonde "No! Its bear tracks!" They were still arguing when they were hit by a train.

   If a person offends you, do not resort to extremes, simply watch your chance and hit them in the head with a brick.

   instant superhero, just add alcohol

   money may not bring her happiness. But she'd rather cry in a Mercedes than in a bus.

   Know what I love about my dogs? I can lock 'em in the trunk of my car for an hour, and when I open it, they're excited to see me. Can't do that with a wife...

   happier than Adam Lambert being dragged backwards through a cornfield

   If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

   I was going to ask my wife for her honest view on sexist jokes..she was too busy cooking though.

   Why are women like clouds ? Because when they **** off its usually a nice day

   Female Black Widow spiders kill and eat their mate after mating...ya know, I think those bugs are really on to something! :)

   If there were no such things as bears,what kind of hugs would we give?

   has decided to unleash years of ninja training on the world =.= OR I'm just gonna eat supper and go to bed....hmmmm....well I guess the world is safe for another day

   everybody could learn a lesson from the weather.. It pays no attention to criticism

   Daaaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home..

   still confused after one of the presenters on Children in Need said, "pick up your phone and pledge". I'm still sitting here with the phone in one hand and a can of furniture polish in the other, wondering what the hell I'm supposed to do next.

   Russia declared Wednesday a National Day of Conception to stimulate the birth rate. Any couple who gives birth nine months form now will win money and prizes. This is what countries without a Mexican border have to do to increase their population.