Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   has just read his wife's magazines and there seems to be two topics of major importance to women: .1) Why men are such disgusting pigs and .2) How to attract a man!

   to be a roadie,, get on the roads not on a stupid tv show!!!

   thinks mother nature is bi-polar and is off her meds!!

   Sex,Drugs & Sausage Rolls.

   On this Thanksgiving I'm thankful for family and friends and the fact I don't have to wear Depends. I'm thankful for hard alcohol and seeing friends at the Mall, But most of all I'm thankful for turkey and stuffin' and SWEET, SWEET HOT LOVIN'!!!!

   trying to think of ways to coax the gerbil out. Shoulda known they could chew through a sock

   its right what they say fruit is good for constipation. I got my phone bill this morning from orange and I nearly s**t myself.

   saving a lot on car insurance by switching to Geico. (singing) I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE SOMEBODY'S WATCHING MEEEEEEE..

   American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert has revealed to Rolling Stone magazine that he's gay. In other news, Barack Obama is black, Paris Hilton is kind of slutty, and Clay Aiken is also gay.

   what a lame bar...the drinks are weak, the mucis sucks, and all the women are like "I'm busy", "What do you want?", or "this is pottery class, sir!"...jeeze...

   why did helen kellers dog run away?... you would too if your name was hhemirnemingefle

   could not take it anymore...I felt like the speaker was baiting me..so I threw my zima at his head and told them all...AA needs to tone this s***down a bit....and I left

   Remember when Ronald Reagan was president, we also had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash still with us...now we have Obama and no hope and no cash

   wants to know how angry you are with him, on a scale of 1 to Chris Brown

   experiencing life at a rate of several wtf's a minute

   will publicly ridicule anyone caught reading "Going Rogue" I'm just throwing that out there. You've been warned.

   being boring is a choice. Those mild salsas and pleated khakis don't buy themselves.

   Doesn't matter what I'm packin' in my denim, it's what's in my genes

   so broke that if I had to pay a nickel to take a $h1t, I'd have to throw up.

   I believe Adam Lambert would hold one in his jaw until the swelling goes down.