Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes I'll re-read my older jokes that I once thought were funny and think,,, "I am the lamest person who ever lived."

   If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to..

   I visited my Proctologist today & he informed me that my condition might be rectified

   Why is our society failing?.. Because the slow gazelle doesn't get eaten anymore.. *see kiddie soccer.

   Forget the melting polar ice caps, the most devastating element of the future will surely be how many grandmas have tramp stamps.

   "WHAT DO WE WANT?"... FEWER QUESTIONS... "WHEN DO WE WANT IT?"... GODDAMNIT DAVE, WE'RE SERIOUS

   1964:"Remember kids," As our youth basketball coach said, "there's no "i" in team.".. "Not yet," whispers 5th grade Steve Jobs, ".. not yet."

   Wait?.. If being vegetarian is SO good for you, how come you don't have the energy to shave your armpits?

   My mom is so bad at texting. She meant to say "I love you" and she accidentally sent "You're a huge disappointment"... lol parents can't text

   🎶Sweet dreams are made of cheese/ Who am I to diss a Brie/ Cheddar the world and the Feta Cheese/ Ev'rybody's lookin for Stilton🎶

   PRO TIP: The easiest way to kill off mice in your house is to leave tiny motorcycles everywhere but no helmets.

   My OCD can run circles around your anxiety disorder.... Perfect, organized circles.

   "As a matter of fact, pepsi IS okay"... *whole restaurant gasps... *rookie busboy vomits

   *Looks at Olive Garden menu.... "Waiter?,, Up up down down left right left right B A"... Waiter: "Unlimited breadsticks, coming right up"

   I'd like the chicken-fried steak please.."Um lemme get back to you". * runs to kitchen, "YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK?"

   If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around,,, Will the entire tree still be used to print a single CVS receipt?

   "My son, one day all this will be yours," I say proudly, sweeping my hand over reams of medical charts that explain all our familys genetic defects.

   What is the term for a group of Canadians?.. Is it "an apology"?.... as in, "Oh look, there goes an apology of Canadians"

   Life Tip: Always read medication instructions in a mocking voice

   Image makeover idea #1: Haiti should rename itself Likey.