Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

   I remember when the candleshop caught on fire. Everyone just stood around singing "Happy Birthday".

   my wife cooks more on Café World! then she does here at home at least the the virtual people are eating well

   How much horsepower does your horse have?

   Idea for a Christmas Party: Have two guys dress as Jesus and Santa Claus. One brings wine the other brings Eggnog with vodka. Santa brings his 12 reindeer playboy bunnies. All at your mother-in-law's house. ONE BIG JINGLE FOR THE YEAR.

   FACEBOOK + CHRISTMAS = Endless status updates reminding you what month it is. Not to mention pages and pages of people's Xmas pics.

   wondering if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

   I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

   I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

   I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

   I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

   Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

   thank you for keeping me sober facebook....you are another source of support and you dont have any idea...i check in with friends and it keeps me busy...thank you

   if we all have underware we like and don't like why don't we throw away the ones we don't like and buy more of the ones we do like.

   Bills travel at twice the speed through the post than cheques.

   because we didn't evolve from CURRENT apes... we evolved from a comman ancestor whose population was split and separated geographically 6 million years ago and evolved in different directions. DUH!

   says if you want to feel skinny, hang out with a group of fat people.

   The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

   Move like Michael Jackson, Tonight on BBC 3, Is a contest,to find out who can move like Micheal Jackson....Am I alone in thinking,that really all the winner needs to do,is lie down & be still for half an hour ?

   What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.