Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I like to pretend I'm a Jedi Master and use the force to open automatic doors like at walmart.

   You know those camp grounds where you have to pay to sleep outside? I wonder if those are offensive to homeless people??

   Why do people think Memento is so much better than Dude Where's My Car? They are basically the same movie.

   trying to decide - laundry today or naked tomorrow?

   the difference between michael jackson and acne is that acne waits till your twelve to come all over your face

   if it weren't for elephants and penguins, I would not be able to eat ice cream on a sailboat

   I used to live in a pineapple under the sea. But I lost it in a forclosure. Now some yellow guy lives there.

   Our boss called the office together this morning to show us where all the plug sockets are. I hate power point presentations.....

   A little boy who had diarhea said to his mom, "I need viagra" she said for what? He said "Well isn't that what you give dad to make his sh*t hard?"

   Just got a new dog..Named him " Stay " Freaks all our friends out when we say" Come Here...Stay "

   my best friend said the best sex he ever had was with a cougar......i don't even like big cats

   February 14, 2010 will now be known as "Singles Awareness Day. F you to all the candymakers, cardmakers, jewlers, florists, and Cupid!

   Eight hundred pairs of underwear were stolen from a clothing store today. The police are making a brief inquiry

   wondering; why do people on facebook, when they find a -public- photo album to someone they dont know, feel like they've won a million ???

   SFOL #16: You aren't insecure due to some traumatic experience that happened when you were a child—unless that experience was the realization that you suck and no one likes you.

   so old that I can remember when colonel sanders was a private

   knows that cougars roar all night, pumas growl all night, & kitty cats meow all night. I still love my cougars though.

   if you feel that the window of opportunity is closed to you, just pick up a rock and smash that f*er to pieces!

   People piss me off like the ones who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

   A guy with a steering wheel sticking out the front of his pants walks into a bar. The bartender sees him and says "heyt. There's a steering wheel sticking out the front of your pants." The guy says " yeah, and it's driving me nuts".