Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   never realized why no one likes Val Kilmer... But I just realized.... You killed GOOSE... YOU B*STARD!

   Wrinkles are hereditary. Mothers and fathers get them from their children.

   ..doesn't go looking for trouble. She knows exactly where to find it!

   jaegermeister: its like running down the stairs on Xmas morning and then realizing your Jewish.

   ..i had lunch with a chess player today. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.

   I'm gonna get a #2 tattooed on my back... just so the person behind me knows what position their in !!!

   To all of you who keep calling me Fat, Just Piss off, Iv got Enough on my Plate..

   i wasnt born with enough middle fingers to show you how I feel

   wants to know how we manage to raise millions to help people in a country none of us have ever been to, but can't help our own poor and homeless.

   wondering, if chickens don't have fingers, how come they sell them in resturants??

   I wouldn't mind public transportation if it wasn't for the public.

   I'm pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and i'll let you know.

   I got new deodorant yesterday... The instructions said remove top and push up bottom... My bum really hurts but everytime I fart the room smells awesome

   Bin Laden is probably blending in, the best way he can, driving a taxicab.

   What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin...

   This is something that happened to me, and a lot of people think I'm crazy and I'm making it up or whatever, but six months ago, I was abducted by aliens. They beat the crap out of me. I couldn't get away -- I don't speak Spanish

   wants to know that if God didn't want us to eat meat, why did he make Cows so slow? Have you ever eaten a Cheetah burger? Nope, and you never will.... !!!!

   I read somewhere that when you get married, you should marry your best friend. Talk about awkward, he was already married.

   Most dentist's chairs go up and down. The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual' . And the dentist said to me, Sir, please get out of the filing cabinet.

   If I need directions, I'm not asking a man with one tooth. I'm asking a man with one leg. Because he definitely knows the easiest way to get there..