Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   During sex my girl always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

   Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

   I flirt with you it doesn't mean I'm interested, it just means I'm awake

   what you see is what you get this is me I cannot change the way I am because then I wouldnt be me

   playing hardball. And I got to admit. I'm impressed.~

   Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away.

   I'm goin to a pretty place now where the flowers grow. I'll be back in an hour or so....

   Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out!

   There will be no Groundhog Day. I have Punxsutawney Phil in my sights, and I am slowly squeezing the trigger...

   I hate when women say their body is "shaped like a Coke bottle" and fail to mention that bottle is a 3 liter.

   "GATES PLEDGES $10 BILLION FOR VACCINES." Hope it's to fight viruses in windows.

   humans......the only creatures who would actually invent a bunch of machines that throw you around, call it an amusement park, and we actually wait in long lines and PAY to do it!

   You will never get sleep with a redhead because they are soulless gingers and will steal you away when you sleep

   What I learned from the Grammys: Lady Gaga SILL terrifies me, Beyonce apparently has seizures while performing, Taylor Swift has some VERY adult teeth in her teen-aged mouth, & Lil Wayne was lookin like a fool with his pants on the ground!

   so poor that he cant even pay attention

   If anyone needs me I'll be setting up a sniper pearch in Punxsutawney, Pa. This year that fat little groundhog will not make it back to the hole.

   A nwe sutdy porves htat hte hmuan barin cna tarsnlate an in-cmopleet snetence or a fargmnet of a wrod by piecnig eahc slyalbel of hte fargmnet toegtehr -tahnks

   wonders if I'm the only person that doesn't want to be on the Price is Right because I don't want to be seen running like a baboon down the aisles?

   bored, so is considering dressing as the grim reaper and tapping on the windows of the local retirement home and waving to the residents for entertainment

   Thank god I don't have 3D glasses Celine Dion's nose is scary enough without them!