Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do the New Orleans Saints and Benny Mardones have in common? They are both one hit wonders....

   trying to complete his Margaritaville. I still need that lost shaker of salt, 5th of tequila, some fresh lime juice, triple sec, and a flip flop. Thanks guys!

   Just 'cause something's in style, doesn't mean everybody ought to wear it. Ladies, I have seen some of you walking around in clothes that maybe you shouldn't. Muffin tops? ok. But when you look like a busted open can of biscuits, I draw the line..

   thinks that when NASA conducts their search for "itelligent life" in the universe, they should first start with Earth.

   Thanks to modern medicine, people can be sexually active long past the age when anyone wants to see them naked.

   I'm not a doctor, but I play one in the emergency room until security shows

   's doctor advised her to eat better, excercise more and quit drinking. Incidentally, X has out lived her last three doctor's that suggested the same thing.

   Maybe if we chirp loud & long enough about Toyota's not being able to stop, we'll forget about our crappy North America cars that won't start.

   just Became a Fan of I dont care about your farm, or your fish, or your park, or your mafia!!!

   this just in....former President Clinton is in the hospital with heart complications. Guess being a pu$$y hound caught up to him.

   facebook the place where people change there profile picture more then they do there underwear

   I think Facebook has some serious self-conscious issues...either that or it's being run by Heidi Montag...enough with the changes!!! You were so money the way you were...

   Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles and nerve impulses sent from my brain

   reckons anti-wrinkle cream doesn't work. If it did, women wouldn't have any fingerprints

   Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles

   Can't wait for Valentines Day so I can get that pre-printed card, written by someone else, and a stale box of chocolates because Hallmark is telling him to do it! How romantic!

   Valentines Day...The perfect day to buy your "someone special" a card with someone else's words and overpriced flowers. Ahhh, who said romance is gone?

   All you need is love. And Valentines Day is the perfect time to buy lots of things to prove it.

   Life was much simpler when Apple and Blackberry were just fruits.

   "Ok Brain: I don't like you and you dont't like me, but this time we have to work toghet....DAMN! He's running awaritnfdnsfoeinlsjerfjsgrjjdfks..."