Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Every time two or more motorcycles ride side by side on the road,,, a bald eagle is gently wrapped in an American flag by The Lord.

   Truthful tuesday: When I see something funny on the feed here, I don’t usually laugh.. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.

   Sorry, I can't make it,,, months are just a really busy time of year for me

   I wonder if Tommy Lee, Tom Jones, and Tommy Lee Jones all get each other's mail.

   Careful...I've already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn't end well for you.

   People in glass houses should probably buy their Windex at Costco.

   According to my calculations,,,, The Rock should beat Edward Scissorhands in a fight

   "Can't go wrong with oolong"... is my favorite tea shirt.

   By all means,, Keep filming that crying African baby for our sake. Whatever you do, don't pick it up, or shoo the flies away, or feed it or anything humane.

   GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask ,, " Notice anything different?'................. * works EVERY time

   Sorry I yelled GET A ROOM when your grandma was hugging your grandpa's coffin.

   *Does impersonation of the Swedish Chef for no reason 5 minutes into first date*

   If you use a Wal-Mart bathroom there's no need to wash your hands... You're going to die anyway.

   Dear coworker who just microwaved hobo feet for lunch,,,, We hate you.. Love Stanley

   every time a hipster says they can't eat gluten Zooey Dechanel gets an extra eyelash

   Sorry I'm late,, the floor was lava

   So the clown at my kid's birthday party has been pulling a CVS receipt out of his sleeve for the past 20 minutes..

   My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.

   I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel's program "Deadliest Catch" wasn't about first marriages.

   Yes Timmy,, The universe contains protons, neutrons, electrons............ but mostly morons, the universe is FULL of morons..