Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I believe my entire life is one complicated drinking game...

   This is a mean,cruel world & I want my nappy & medications right now!

   thinks parents are only as good as their dumbest kid... If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed.

   I don't think I'm ever going to win the lottery.. I can't even pick the pen that works from a choice of two at the lottery stand.

   found out that they don't like you to wear roller skates in the mall! Or maybe they were mad cuz I didn't have pants on...not sure which one.

   forgot how delicious Vanilla pudding Snack Packs are and regrets to inform his children that they will not be making it to their lunch boxes.

   I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just some b*stard with a torch, bringing me more work.

   Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.

   There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug colleague', either. And there's four in 'platitude-quoting idiot'. Go figure.

   There may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough.

   Remember the 3 golden rules: 1. It was like that when I got here. 2. I didn't do it. 3. (To your Boss) I like your style.

   Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.

   If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.

   You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back

   A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

   I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

   It tastes like I coughed up blood...hello liver damage, I've been expecting you

   Fine Arts < Real Education

   Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do

   out clubbing last night, beat my record of 24 seals!