Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   keeps a fake journal claiming I've done monumental stuff, so if I ever develop amnesia, I'm gonna think I'm freakin' AWESOME!

   my son Xander (5) got in trouble and sent to his room. He comes out a few minutes later and tried to bribe me into letting him out by give me a $1 bill. A lesser man would have succombed I tell you.....

   Don't call me crazy. I much prefer the term "mentally hilarious."

   Some people think that I assume the world revolves around me, which of course is total nonsense. The world revolves around the sun, which shines out of my a$$.

   seems to have replaced Sex with Food. Now I can't even get in my own pants.

   if drinking and driving is illegal, then why the hell do bars have a parking lot?

   disappointed that no matter how many times he bangs his head, he doesn't see any cartoon birds.

   discovered today that playing dead only comes in handy when face to face with a bear, and NOT at important business meetings.

   If you ever want to see a man cry... Put a beer in one hand and a naked woman in the other... And... MAKE HIM CHOOSE!

   At the beginning of any relationship, every girl treats her boyfriend as "GOD." ... 'Later on somehow the alphabets get reversed!!!

   "Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools."

   sweating like a cat at a Chinese restaurant.

   Ever wondered why there is a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell? There's apparently more traffic going to hell!!!

   feeling as sprightly today as Jim Morrison... or anyone else who has been dead for 30 years.

   wonders... do subliminal (send) messages (me) really (money) work?

   doesn't believe in superstition. It brings bad luck.

   Your friendship means so much to me that... When you cry...I cry. When you laugh... I laugh. When you jump out a window... I laugh some more.

   the cops just found a body with no brain, saggy boobs, dirty undies, and a food stamp card. I'm really worried..are you okay?

   I told my blonde sister I slept with a Brazilian man. My sister said," OMG, you're such a slut...how many is a brazillian?"

   When your cat suddenly runs out of the room at the speed of lightning, it was actually a failed ambush.