Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A lady's picking through the frozen turkeys and says to a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" they says, "No, ma'am, they're dead."

   Man Ive been sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, have a stuffy head, and a fever... is there any kind of medication that I can take for that and it will help me rest???

   Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

   Needs a brain laxative.......there's too much crap in here!!!

   I only have sex on days that begin with "T". Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday and Thunday.

   that you might as well sleep with me because I'm going to tell all my friends you did anyway.

   "Project Runway": New title for "Teach your kid to be an air traffic controller at JFK."

   My father told me "never hit a man while he's down, kick him! It's a whole lot easier!"

   March 4th. I like today's date because it's like i'm telling people what to do.

   really looking forward to this years Toyota Grand Prix of Long Beach. Talk about non-stop racing action!

   Im never going to a petting zoo with MC hammer EVER AGAIN !!!

   Failure is not an Option, and Defeat is not a Choice!

   If my neighbors dont tone it down a little bit, I am going to have to change my WiFi network name to "I can hear you having sex".

   You can't be a smart cookie with a crummy attitude.

   Silly rabbit tried to steal my damn trix.

   Be careful the bridges you burn today may be the very ones you will one day have to cross!

   examining one of his patients. Took the husband aside and said: Your wife doesn't look too good. Husband said: I know but she's got an awesome personality...

   doesn't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth like 12 points

   FAT CHICKS ARE LIKE MOPEDS, THERE ARE FUN AND GAMES UNTIL YOUR FRIENDS CATCH YOU RIDIN ONE.....

   A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says"Why do you think that?". The man says, "well, the s*x is still the same but the laundry is piling up."