Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   accidentally swallowed some food colouring yesterday. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

   wonders... How do crazy people go through the forest?They take the psycho path.

   A girl is always RIGHT....Just sometimes confused, misinformed, rude, stubborn, senseless, unchangeable, and even downright stupid but not WRONG.

   had breakfast in bed. Two rolls and a turnover.

   One good turn... gets all the blankets.

   if you want to kill a circus act, you've got to go for the juggler.

   Income tax-time is when you test your powers of deduction.

   performed Plastic Surgery today: I was cutting up all your credit cards.

   My church accepts any denomination. But they prefer tens and twenties.

   believes the difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'

   thinks that Valentine's Day is Halloween's evil, hateful twin.

   often thought of getting into the petroleum industry, but drilling for oil is boring.

   Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

   living the dream, one nightmare at a time.

   the head radiologist of the X-ray department at the hospital married one of his patients. Everybody wondered what he saw in her...

   went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a mussel.

   kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it.

   wanted to learn how to make ice-cream, so I started attending sundae school.

   been trying to remember the name of that disease that causes baldness, but I can't think of it off the top of my head.

   I met a man who fell into an upholstery machine. Fortunately, he's fully recovered now.