Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I wish I could be like Jeff Probst from Survivor. I'd love to walk into a Shift Briefing at work and say,"The Tribe Has Spoken"!!! Then walk over and extinguish their torch and tell them to pack their belongings and get the @#$% out!!!

   wondering " Why Beyonce not wearing a G-string in Telephone Video with Lady Gaga??"

   instead of fighting over healthcare the government should give everyone skittles because they make everyone happy!

   effective way of getting back at someone is to ask them a yes or no question like this - "Have you stopped putting your head up ur a$$ these days ?"

   Pobody's nerfect. :)

   a good listener (under the current definition of Kin Hubbard:"a good listener is usually thinking of something else")

   going to have you naked by the end of ths status

   asks Where Were You When the Republic Died?

   Be my Tom and I will be your Jerry.

   A bit of a Procrastanator, i've been meaning to put that as my status since last week!

   Irony: a fat guy at walmart getting his blood pressure checked with two big bags of doritos in his other hand:D

   really thinks that the best method for retaining a healthy, youthful look is probably still one of the oldest methods: bathing in the blood of virgins.

   ever notice that when a story starts out with "I swear that I'm not sh*tting you"...they ARE sh*tting you?

   I had to take my paycheck to the bank. It was too little to go all by itself.

   The truth hurts... and I don't carry band-aids...

   I was blown away when I realised the word ' OK ' is a side ways person,...

   I get worried when I see a pattern on my multiple choice sheet....

   My name is_____ and I can never find a key chain with my name on it...

   not been this broke since he went carol singing with the Tourettes Association

   I didn't change, I just grew up. You should try it sometime....