Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does anyone else leave Best Buy without buying anything and think the security guy at the front suspects you of stealing... so you go out of your way to act friendly toward him?

   I do lots of stuff in my back yard that's illegal to do in public.

   I do not have adult ADD. I have "What your saying bores the s#it out of me."

   You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."

   I put the STD in stud, now baby all I need is U.

   Things to shout at Tiger Woods at Augusta: "Nail this hole like a Hooters waitress." Or you can say, "Now that you're not getting any, beat it like it owes you money!"

   If you work for British Airways & have been on strike this week, next time you see a soldier/airman/sailor who's returned from Operations in Afghanistan make sure you tell him/her about your awful working conditions, poor uniform & low pay. Good luck.

   updating FB while getting a bj

   I can kiss better then I can cook

   Good friends are like bras...close to your heart, and always there for support

   is experiencing fact that "having jalapenos once, will burn you twice."

   If it wasn't for my superior willpower, I might be exercising right now!◕ ‿ ◕

   I'm fed up with my brain remembering crap I'd like to forget and forgetting crap I'd like to remember!

   I'm fed up with my brain remembering crap I'd like to forget and forgetting crap I'd like to remember!

   I'm fed up with my brain remembering crap I'd like to forget and forgetting crap I'd like to remember!

   hates that the jeopardy theme song is stuck in my head. Its giving me a false sense of anxiety!!

   dropped it like it's hot BUT before it even hit the ground....caught it like a cold...WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

   What do you do if your about to die in front of a candy store? Eat a life saver :)

   i feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket orrrrr something!!!!

   I told my wife I wanted breakfast in bed in the morning. She said go sleep in the kitchen.