Snotty Funny Status Messages

   FYI: Push-up bras don't actually help you do more push-ups :(

   Pick up artist getting bullied: stop hitting on yourself. Stop hitting on yourself

   I think sometime over the weekend,, I turned the food pyramid upside down and served chips out of it

   Finally!! Mankind gets a message from Mars... *The President reads it to all humanity YOUR FRIGGING ROBOT IS DOING DONUTS ON MY LAWN

   Everytime you tweet something with a typo in it, someone gots a degree from the University of Phoenix

   Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.

   Just found a message in a bottle..... It read,, "Whatever you do, just don't tell Sting where I am."

   "And that's why we can't have nice things." *me looking at my pay check

   I feel like I forgot something when I left the house today.... Pants. It was definitely pants.

   My bucket list, is just me wanting to sit on a throne,, and slow clap sarcastically after somebody's speech.

   I confuse metaphors like its my business

   I have always been suspicious of Wendy's hamburgers because they are square,,,, much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

   Women need a tattoo that somehow signals their menstrual cycle............ * A Cramp Stamp

   Two do list: -Do -Do

   This cat poop tastes like I'm about to get yelled at. -- Dogs

   So far,,, I've spent 300% of this week exaggerating.

   Why would a woman come with instructions? Have you ever seen a man read instructions?

   Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms... 2. Describing tumors... 3. Playing golf

   61.My mom found a spot between her boobs this week,,, the doctor eased her worries telling her it was just her belly button.

   MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog's pre-puke warning grunts.