Snotty Funny Status Messages

   You can't fix stupid.... You can however,,, interview it on the news when you need a good eyewitness.

   Everyone knows you can just buy M&M's instead of trail mix,, right?

   Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you can start a fishing school. Make lots of money. Then feed your family steak.

   I started a band called 999 Megabytes..... We haven’t gotten a gig yet.

   Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. I'll be coloring your hair today. Prepare to dye.

   I’ve been in this McDonald’s restroom for over an hour, waiting for an employee to wash my hands.

   Fact: A 3 year old can hear a candy wrapper being opened from up to 300 miles away.

   Please just put it in the fridge.... We'll throw it away next week.

   Well, well, well...look who's come crawling back,,, asking me to repair the tire on their wheelchair.

   How to tell if someone is lying to you on social media??.... Their thumbs are moving

   My worst 3 subjects in school we're Math and English.

   Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn't kill the dinosaurs. I've been to the museum..... It's obvious they starved to death.

   My work as a suicide counselor was short-lived.

   Why doesn't anybody like me? Asking for a friend.

   Train A leaves Station B in 32 minutes. Train C arrives at Station B in 30 minutes. Using a pencil and paper, write down your debit card pin.

   There's a 95% chance that you'll go through your whole life without ever knowing the next line to "Blinded By The Light."

   That's right,, Doctor Smug, I DO drink eight glasses of water a day.... I just filter them through coffee grinds first.

   Men In Black, Panties..... #AddaWordRuinaMovie

   We played a lot of "Keep The Balloon In The Air" as kids,,,, a game known to most other people as Being Poor.

   I still have a hard time believing that Land Down Under by Men At Work isn't Australia's national anthem.