Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I'm so bad at sex when we get done,, oompa loompas enter the room and sing a catchy & belittling song...

   Just watch. My nickname for babies, "vag-turds", is really gonna catch fire in 2015.

   My band is so indie we don't even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

   *cooking omelette for wife..... Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”...Wife: “Sure baby”... * Slowly turns up Nickleback cd...

   I'm starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I'll never ever use one again. I'm so excited about it. Yes.

   *looks at packaging for Pillsbury Choc Chip Cookies... "May contain raw eggs"... *Rocky theme plays as I squeeze entire tube down my throat

   How to walk UP the down escalator:... Step 1:... Step 1:.... Step 1:... Step 1:...Step 1:...

   Taco Bell is selling breakfast now?.. Cool, I guess I can move into the men's restroom... If you need me, I'll be in my new office.

   I REPEAT,,,, THE ESCAPED OCTOPUS IS HEAVILY ARMED

   Meanwhile, Somewhere farther down on your timeline,,, your aunt just posted the "Footprints" poem on her wall again.

   MOM,,, Even the Cookie Monster WON'T EAT AN OATMEAL RAISIN COOKIE

   About to try ordering subway without saying um... Wish me luck!

   What's the recommended age to teach your child that Google has every answer to their homework?

   PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.

   Throwing your cat at the intruder & shouting release the hounds does nothing for,,,,,,,, A) Your property... B) Your cat... C) Both...

   I hear boomerangs are making a comeback

   Watching the kids play hide and seek in the park,,, and mine just hid behind a chain link fence.. at least I don't have to save for college

   I like to throw hostesses off by shooting back at them with, "Do I look Native American?" after they ask me if I have a reservation.

   Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn't made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.

   back pain is just youth leaving the body