Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I'm so old,,, my driver's license is valid for covered wagons.

   Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.

   People who eat fish tacos: You realize you can get tacos that don't have fish in them,,, right?

   It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.

   If silly putty would have applied itself,,, it could have been serious putty.

   "Sh*t-Ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.

   Anyone else see the irony in Disney World?.. You know, the fact that it's a giant human trap, ...set by a mouse.

   I think it's actually statistically something like 113% of people over-exaggerate.

   When one door closes and another window opens you have a ghost

   "You're more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark."... *The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.

   float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, squeak like a rat, swim like a dolphin,,, welcome to the shapeshifter club, please turn into a seat

   I just sneezed on my phone and it made little rainbow sparkles all over the screen... I'm pretty sure that makes me a Wizard.

   3-year-old conversion factor: 1 chicken strip = 1/2 bottle of ketchup

   Yoga teacher hates me.... *Puts me in an awkward position.

   If you don't have a dog whistle,,,, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in a month.

   This day in history in 1803. Louisiana Purchase was made by Thomas Jefferson. It added 828000 square miles to the USA,,, and later on that day, his wife hid his credit cards.

   Hey guys,, my feed is down.. Is anyone here friends with Kathy?..I'm on pins and needles over here about how her workout went yesterday.

   I want to be the first person on shark tank who walks in holding nothing but a turd in her hand

   I just swallowed a little hair color. I think I'm going to dye.

   My favourite thing about flamenco guitarists is how they can stand on one leg for the entire performance.