Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Honey maybe you will feel better if you poop.

   Only the married squirrels hurl themselves under car wheels.

   You know that one person you're always thinking about? They don't.

   Maybe Taylor Swift should try dating an Arab. It might not work out but at least he'll make sure she doesn't live to write another song.

   Just looked up from my phone. Worst 5 seconds of my life.

   Researchers say men are 3 times more likely to be the first to say "I love you", than women. In our defence, ladies, we don't mean it

   Serious question: do the Kardashians breed like humans or do they lay eggs?

   When my wife is sleeping I open her handbag, take out my balls, pat them & whisper "I know guys I miss you too" then put them back quietly.

   Nobody gives a about how amazing your relationship is. You're on Facebook. It can't be that good.

   We've got our p orno turned up really loud so the neighbours don't hear us having sex.

   I like big brains and I can not lie.

   Just dismissed my low battery warning while watching a p orn. It's a fight to the finish now.

   I asked my wife if anything was wrong and she said "yes" and I'm completely lost, I've never played the game like this before.

   I'm white, but I'm not "have babies on purpose" white.

   Some were born to stalk, some were born to be stalked.

   No pants are the best pants.

   Actually Ke$ha, I think the rest of us don't want to die young. But you should definitely go ahead without us.

   First rule of the fight club should be: "Do not eat beans before the fight"

   If you ever decide to commit suicide by jumping from a building, the least you could do is wear a cape first.

   Dear Slut: If you need 2 different guys to date at the same time, please don't expect me to be one of them.