Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Lost in Ikea for 271 days.. Spent hellish week in labyrinth of spoon organizers & I'm now in relationship with lamp named "BÖJA"... RESCUE ME

   Imagine how much pride you'll feel being eaten by lions.

   My analysis reveals that, via his crafty use of the double negative,,, Ray Parker Jr was, in fact,, afraid of *some* ghosts.

   Long story short I can't get these pet rocks to mate and now I'm under major pressure from my investors.

   I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn't like it.

   Wife swapping?..... Count me in... Here she is, you're in the middle of a divorce.

   "If anyone here knows why these two should not be married speak now or-"......*Admiral Akbar rises*...... "IT'S A TRAP!!!..."

   Pro Tip: If you're on the bus,, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.

   I had my Crayola guy re-run the numbers,,, and there's only 36 shades of grey

   Do not mess with bears. You'll be their victim. Yogi Bear wears clothes. Where did he get his clothes?,,, That's right - a victim

   * Throws caution to the wind.... Wind throws it back and tells me I throw like a girl.

   'for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until' you eat the last star crunch and pee on the toilet seat

   *Looks left... *Looks right... * Crosses road,,, * Gets run over by a chicken...

   Big shout out to fat dudes on crotch rockets for making us all laugh a little bit

   Hate when Taco Bell doesn't have the all of their menu items on the drive thru sign, cuz then I have to just ask for.. "the thing that made me crap my pants last time"

   When I'm bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.

   Ain't no sandwich when she's gone... Ain't no Sub when she's away..

   Just...sitting...thinking...planning my next move to get that new roll of toilet paper about 5 feet away from me.

   In Canada they have 18 hour traffic jams at 4 way stops,,, cause everyone is being polite and insisting the other driver goes first

   My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.