Snotty Funny Status Messages

   My Hamster passed today,,,, Yeah, he fell asleep at the wheel.... :(

   My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super badass and hilarious

   "Pay attention, 007,,, This might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button,, a handle comes out and you can wheel it."

   COP: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"... ME: "So it wouldn't be as windy and easier to hear when we talked?."

   My wife is in a bad mood. I think her boyfriend forgot their anniversary... Way to go, dude. Now we all suffer...

   Insomnia sufferers - look on the bright side..... Only three more sleeps til Christmas

   Sorry I ran you over,, but on a positive note, I get 50 extra points if I'm not mistaken, and that gets me another free guy... So there's that

   Checked myself for ticks but I didn't hear anything.

   "Frosted Flakes is a part of this complete breakfast,,, which is also complete if you remove the Frosted Flakes."

   There's anxious, then there's me,, trying to get my tires lined up on the tracks at the car wash

   Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results isn't the definition of insanity,,, it's the definition of parenting.

   Naked and Afraid also describes the last time I spent a night at a Holiday Inn

   "If EVERYTHING tastes like us,,, Why do WE have to die then"????..... CHICKENS

   In high school, I used to assist my teacher in Spanish class by "interpretive dancing" her lesson off to the side for "clarification"

   Well,,, Maybe lactose isn't so tolerant of you, either.

   Bad news: I stepped in gum... Good news: it still had flavor left.

   Does Uncle Ben still make rice? Because I'm pretty sure he's been telling people he's Spider-Man's uncle... I guess he could do both..

   Sadly, the makers of Crocs will never be brought to justice.

   To the neighbors who have plastic flowers prominently displayed in their yard: Thanks, my home is now worth ten dollars on Zillow.

   I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.