Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Just saw a girl choking on a cupcake so I quickly ran over, took her phone and Instagrammed what was left of it. She's perfectly fine now.

   Not sure if I'm craving something sweet or salty and now I know exactly how Bella felt with Edward and Jacob.

   As soon as you get married you will understand why Barbie and Ken are sold separately with all their s hit

   Remember people, good manners is what separates us from the French

   I’m a bad motherf ucker until someone hands me a puppy or a baby.

   If you can read this, you're not having sex either.

   STD = She's That Dirty

   Madonna looks pretty good for someone who spent most of her life trying to defeat He-Man.

   Every time I make a new friend. They seem to figure out a way to escape from my basement.

   I sometimes like to close my eyes and imagine a world with no poverty and also that my hand is a woman.

   There is a thin line between marriage and catastrophe.

   Hey, people who back their cars into parking spaces. I've seen enough overachieving out of you for the day.

   I don't know what people are thinking when they ask stupid people what they were thinking when it's pretty obvious they weren't thinking.

   Holy shi t! Serena Williams is working out at my gym! Wait...maybe it's Venus. Nope... False alarm. Just some random black guy

   Please take your b itching about the weather to Twitter. None of us here goes outside anyway.

   I saw a nail hole in the bathroom and quickly realized I was in an Asian gloryhole.

   Someone just told me to "have a blessed day." What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.

   Denims are my favourite hand sanitizers.

   I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food. I'm not even sure where sandwiches live.

   "My boyfriend this. My boyfriend that. My boyfriend is cooler than you. My boyfriend bought me stuff" - girls that I hate