Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I know they say cell phones have more germs then toilets,,,,,, But I'm just not tasting that much of a difference

   Anxiety: The poor man's colon cleanse.

   Million dollar idea: Make 2 million then get married.

   I'm ABSOLUTELY positive I'd accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.

   I have tweets with one or no stars,, so yes Grandpa, I can imagine what the Vietnam war was like

   Read an interesting article about the "iPod" at the doctor's office today.

   lol no thanks,,, my tires rotate themselves every day

   I'm sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.

   Why hasn't Head and Shoulders shampoo come out with a body wash called "Knees and Toes" ?

   GOOD NEWS EVERYONE,,, Comedy Central has just secured the rights to show all of the NY JETS regular season.

   I may be married to the sea, but I'm seeing 2 of the Great Lakes on the side,,, Yeah,, it's Erie how Superior they are.

   FYI: A ton of people is only like ten or fifteen people.... or 5 Wal-mart customers

   Welcome to Sign Language 101,, Can anyone tell me what this red sign is?.. Anyone?.. Anyone??,, It's a stop sign... How about this yellow one?... No?... Hello?,, What, are you guys deaf?

   And the award for best neckwear goes to....... Hmmm,, Well would you look at that, it's a tie

   Welcome to loneliness club. Today we have special guests,,, Bag Of Doritos and Season 5 of Lost... Since it's just me, let's go ahead and start.

   From 8am until 11:59 a.m,,,, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch

   A gaggle of geese... A murder of crows... A nope of laundry.

   Seriously, how many times do I have to watch Kirstie Alley try to lose weight?

   I sent that "Ancestry " site some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over

   Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my womans hair. It's a nice way to let her know my love,, and also that we're out of napkin