Snotty Funny Status Messages

   You know the annual company meeting has gone completely downhill when someone suggests sacrificing a chicken.

   My kid's hamster died, so I just glued some googly eyes on it and told him it was high on meth.

   Me: What's the capital of Ohio?.... Son:.?... Me: It's also a famous explorer.... Son: Dora? ... Me: Yep,, Dora, Ohio.

   I avoid becoming a hoarder by repeatedly getting married,, then losing half my crap in the divorce.

   *Gets a DUI playing Mario Kart

   Relationship status: Wife says I'm only slightly more useful than the T in Home Depot

   Studies say that self inflicted bow and arrow suicides are down 1000 % since 1755.

   Relationship status: Just got screamed at for peeling the carrots wrong.

   Why can't bakers count?

   Not a lot of people know this, but if you dress up like a pirate and go into Red Lobster, you eat for free.

   It's like my cat is the only one who understands me....... * Cat rolls her eyes

   I'm behind in my time traveling project. Or am I?

   My electric car is in for service, so I have to drive an acoustic one.

   "They're like a sponge at this age" I say to the parents of the baby I'm using to scrub dishes with.

   *buys 3D printer,,,,,, still can't make friends*

   Dear Santa, please help my dad find some milk and cigarettes so he can finally come home

   Am I the only one sad that Nick Cannon and his Mom are breaking up?

   WebMD says this thing on my back is called a Wife, and, left untreated, it is usually fatal.

   When I want to break up with a person, I wait until they're sitting in my car, then I press the button that disables the passenger air bag.

   Million dollar idea: Vasectomy booth at Disney World exit.