Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Went to Walmart today. They accepted me as one of their own.... *cough-cough* go on without me... Save yourselves.

   Grocery Budget Tip: If you don't buy food,, you don't need toilet paper....

   Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had been changed. I Looked at the dog.. He looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.

   Listens to coloring books on tape.

   I eat my Oreos like everyone else.. one row at a time.

   If I quote The Princess Bride and you don't get the reference, you are dead to me... And not just mostly dead.

   My eHarmony account just keeps matching me with different types of cookies.

   *Shows up late for first day of new job... *Blames it on rush hour...*Shows up late for second day of new job... *Blames it on Rush Hour 2

   I love Chinese food as much as the next guy,,, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

   Possible "Breaking Amish" sequels:.. #1:Friday Night Without Lights... #2:That 1870's Show... #3:The Big Barn Theory...#4:Not-Modern Family

   Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you're so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?

   Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart.... * Sorry it's so hard to read, I should really find a pen

   * Noah loading ark,,, "cows? check,,, goats? check",,, *llama walks up,,, " I already have llamas."... "Umm, I'm an Alpaca?".... "O.K.,, Wahatever"

   I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14

   "NFL gives ISIS only a two game suspension.".... Hmmmm..

   If Snoop Dog and Pitbull aren't playing the half time show of the puppy bowl this year,,, then someone has seriously dropped the ball.

   I, put commas, in, weird places, so that, you, read, my jokes, like William, Shatner.

   I think this whole "heck in a hand basket" thing started,, when no one noticed the fresh prince gets out of the taxi without paying.

   *Shows up to crime scene on camel drawn carriage....."O.K.,,Prepare to get,, *lowers shades*,,, humped"

   In the 1800s the lives of sea creatures were improved with the invention of the electric eel. Previously they could only read by candlefish.