Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I only use 10% of my brain,,, because the other 90% is busy regretting saying "You too!" to the waiter after he said "Enjoy your meal."

   When you're at work,,, tell someone that has OCD that you drove past their house, and it looked like a light was on... *Sit back and watch.

   I hate it when I accidentally fill up on crayons before my food comes out

   You know the part of your bumhole that supposedly tells you if it's just a fart, or it's actually crap?... Yah, My dad needs a new one of those

   How come we can put a man on the moon but we can't made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?

   Dear Santa, the cookies are real,, NOT gluten free, and there's normal mink,, NOT soy milk,,,, so you don't sh *t all over our chimney like last year

   Sign up now for my new fitness program! Clowns with guns chase you until you are thin... Also we put spiders in your food.

   Making your own salad dressing is simple: 1. Dig hole... 2. Place salad in hole... 3. Cover with dirt until hole is filled...4. Pizza...

   *Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

   "My eyes are up here." - *gift horses

   FYI: It takes a man a week to walk a fortnight,

   I know it's rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you're unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me

   not to brag but I finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

   911: What is your emergency?... ME: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?... 911: Is this her 1st child?.. ME: No,, This is her husband.

   If I were a QB in the NFL, I'd throw the ball as far as I can on every play... And do lots of hip thrusts... And wear my cup on the outside.

   We have great news. We're pregnant!... Awesome! Do you know the sex yet?...Of course we know "the sex",, How do you think we got pregnant, silly

   Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?... *dad panics*... Uhh...you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much...

   *John Madden circles my face on the telestrator..... "Now here's a guy who sits down when he pees."

   My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I'm terrified to go into the bathroom.

   Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I'm not crazy for God's taste in music.