Snotty Funny Status Messages

   FYI: Apple's app store had an app called "I Am Rich." It cost $999.99, did absolutely nothing, and 8 people bought it.

   I'm giving out ex-lax with ghosts on them for Halloween,,, so it comes back to haunt them.

   Yelp ,,, But for public bathrooms that are clean enough to take your kid into.

   Keep Calm,, and stop coming up with different ways to end that phrase.

   BREAKING NEWS: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags...People who love picking up dog crap with their bare hands rejoice.

   I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD,, and it told me I have Gary Busey.

   If she owns more than 4 pairs of yoga pants,,, expect A LOT of text messages

   Ok. Who the frig showed my grandma how to start "group texts" ?!?

   Girl Pro Tip: Save up to 80% on life by being born pretty.

   "There's more than one way to skin a cat." -Chinese restaurant proverb

   "Can you validate my parking?".. "You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud."... *wipes away tear,,, "Thanks."

   And as punishment, the Patriots send Brady home to have sex with a super model.

   Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

   A TED talk about how to pass gas in the office and make it look like somebody else did it.

   Putting ketchup on steak should also affect your credit score.

   Can we just give China $20,000,000,000,000 in Kohl's Cash and call it even?

   Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

   WAIT !!!.. So if I call the CDC, and tell them I have Ebola,,, they'll clean my house.??.... Seriously?.. Hmmmmm.

   How to fold a fitted sheet... 1) Stand with arms apart... 2) Sacrifice a goat... 3) Trust the void... *distant screaming... *PANIC... 4) Throw sheet into ocean

   To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon